Tuesday, August 23, 2011

OVERRATED! (deuce, deuce, deucedeucedeuce)

There are several things in my life I think are overrated. Guitar players, the use of the word "epic" in casual conversations about the Internet, and those retards who play basketball up on Chapel Hill are just a few examples.

However, a new evil has besought itself among the overrated ranks in my life, and today I'm going to address it. In doing so, I'm going to offend some of you, (namely 98% of my Sunday School class) and others will merely say, "Meh," as they click the red X and go on to more interesting blogs that have sex toy giveaways. I can assure you though, this problem needs to be dealt with, and swiftly, before it becomes a national epidemic.

First, let's define and break down the word "overrated." Webster defines it as "to rate, value, or estimate too highly." It's made up of the words "over" and "rate," and if you need it cleared up any more than that, I'd suggest tagging along with my 6 year old to first grade for language lessons. I'd give you the Latin and all that, but I'm trying keep readers here.

If something is overrated, it doesn't necessarily mean it's no good. It could just mean that it's of average caliber, and it's being hyped up by soccer moms and a town desperate for type 2 diabetes, therefore it is held in higher esteem than it should be. This leads me to introduce you to the subject of this blog today.




"It's like Braums on weed." 
Now, I don't know that all of you have heard of this place yet. Looking at their locations map, I can see that if you live in the Bible Belt, you've probably been to one, or are at least aware of the business. For those of you on the coasts who probably have much better places to go and people to see, let me break it down for you. Essentially, it's a frozen yogurt bar. You go in, you get your cup, and you go to the yogurt station. There are several flavors available, running the gambit from stuff you've had before, to stuff you really don't want in yogurt, like Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough and Lemon Box Pie. ("Are those real box pieces in there? That's delicious!") Plus, it's yogurt. Seriously? Last time I checked, the saying wasn't, "I SCREAM YOU SCREAM WE ALL SCREAM FOR SOFT SERVE FROZEN YOGURT!" It's ice cream, always has been ice cream, always will be ice cream. Don't shoot the messenger, I don't make the rules. Also, don't give me any of that, "But it's SOOOOOO much healthier!" Because that's next.

After you get your ice cream frozen yogurt, you head on over to the toppings bar. I'm not going to lie folks, this thing is legit. They have anything you've ever wanted to put on your ice cream frozen yogurt, and several things you don't. However, this is where you go from, "It's really just frozen yogurt, that's not bad for you," to "Oh, yeah, I keep this insulin pump on me at all times." You load up your toppings, and you head to the checkout. There you are charged a price of like $0.40 per ounce.

Hold the phone.

$0.40 an ounce, you say? That's amazing! How do they do it so cheap? Well let me stop you right there and tell you about my one and only experience in the Cherry Berry hell-hole.

I go in and immediately find what I want. Cheesecake flavored ice cream frozen yogurt. I grab a cup, fill it a bit, and head for the toppings. Folks, I don't mind telling you I went a tad bit overboard. They had Snickers, brownie bites, cheesecake bites, hot fudge, caramel, chocolate chips, gummy worms, nuts of every variety, and more. The toppings bar literally is a mile long. Seriously. They have scooters for you, so don't worry, fatty. Upon my arrival at the checkout, I had a cup with a bit of ice cream frozen yogurt, and about 6.5 pounds of toppings and hot fudge. (It was sugar free hot fudge, don't judge me)

My total? It was somewhere in the neighborhood of $234.59. Of course I'm joking, but it was RIDICULOUSLY overpriced. Do you have any idea how many Snickers bars I could have bought? Chop em up and put them in a bin, they're worth their weight in gold, but you can get 25 of them for a quarter at Wal-Mart.

So here's the deal. All you folks out there that continue to suck off the sugary teat of Cherry Berry, can you please do me one tiny favor? Stop blabbing about how good it is, and "OH MY GOD IF YOU CHECK IN THERE ON FACEBOOK YOU CAN GET 20 CENTS OFF!" I am sick of hearing about it. It's overrated, and you're not helping. Also, something's not healthy if the company providing it makes their walls out of Nerf material so kids on a sugar rush don't kill themselves. When you describe it to someone, don't make it sound as if you'll go in and meet Jesus, okay?

Color me out of line, but I'm pretty sure Jesus sticks to Braums.


**Pretty much everything about the establishment has been embellished to make my point. Just like you embellish how AMAZING it is on Facebook. Shut it. Also, as a Christian, I'm obligated to explain to you that Jesus is everywhere, Yes, even Cherry Berry and Chapel Hill.