Thursday, July 5, 2012

"Call Me Maybe" and Why Music Sucks Now.

You may or may not be familiar with the running series on my blog called "Why Music Sucks Now," in which I dissect a song that is responsible for the trepidation I feel when I actually have to listen to the radio and not my iPod. I understand not everyone agrees with my fine tastes in music, as evidenced by a recent commenter on my "Rack City" who thinks I was conceived during the big bang. 


Today's installment of "Why Music Sucks Now" will focus on the recent hit by Carly Rae Jepsen, "Call Me Maybe." Before we get into the lyrics, I have to say that every single time I've heard this song, the following image has popped into my brain.

Seriously. Am I the only one? Also, if you don't get this, just keep reading. 
Now to present the lyrics.


I threw a wish in the well,

Don't ask me, I'll never tell
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you're in my way

I'd trade my soul for a wish,
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn't looking for this,
But now you're in my way

Your stare was holdin',
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

It's hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
But still, you're in my way

I beg, and borrow and steal
Have foresight and it's real
I didn't know I would feel it,
But it's in my way

Your stare was holdin',
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

It's hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so, so bad

It's hard to look right,
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe?

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that

So call me, maybe?



Okay, now let's break this stinkburger down, shall we?

  1. The first four lines speak volumes. The lady makes a wish, tells us she won't tell us what the wish was, looks at this dude, who is presumably what she wished for, and then gripes about him being in the way. It's not, "Oh! Hey! You're in my way that's so awesome let's do it!" It's, "Oh, and now you're in my way, great." 
  2. She's trading her soul for a wish. I feel like Delmar in O Brother Where Art Thou? "For that you traded your everlastin' soul?" Then she goes on to say "she wasn't looking for this," WHEN IT'S EXACTLY WHAT SHE WISHED FOR. Carly, sweetheart, you have to make up your mind. Then of course she complains about him being in the way again. 
  3. The man is staring at her. I want to go out right now and stare at a woman and see what happens. What do you think would happen? I know what would happen. I'd get slapped. Or beat up by her boyfriend. Also, dude needs to patch his jeans. Then, Carly has the nerved to ask him where he's going. She JUST told him that he was in the way. Now he's trying to move, and he can't do it because he's probably stumbling over things, what with him staring at her and all, and she's upset about him moving. Forgive me ladies, but this has "typical woman" written all over it. 
  4. When we arrive at the chorus, Carly does three things for us. First, she tells us that there has been a short amount of time since they've seen each other, but she wants him to call her. Then she explains that it's not her fault she can't tear her eyes away from him, and she wants him to call her. Then she actually has the gall to brag about the fact that other guys are practically standing in line to holla at her, but again, she wants him to call her. 
  5. After the chorus, Carly explains that ol' dude takes a long time to call. In reality, I think this might have been half a day, tops, just because of her sense of time when it comes to giving dudes her number. You can't tell me that if this was a guy, and he was singing the same lyrics, that he wouldn't get put on stalker mode. And apparently, the dude isn't really into her, possibly because of her forcing herself onto him all crazy like. Then, once again, she gripes about him being in her way. If he is STILL in her way, then the amount of time that has elapsed in this song is about thirty seconds, and it brings the whole "you took forever to call" line into stark, stalking reality. 
  6. Apparently here, Carly is stealing something. This could be why the man isn't that into her, because he doesn't want to be called as a material witness. 
  7. Chorus again, she asks him to call four more times. That's eight times, and they're standing right in front of each other still. 
  8. Now Carly is telling this ol boy how much she has missed him, after only knowing him literally for only about thirty-nine seconds. I would like to, once again, ask you ladies how you would feel about a man singing these words to you. What would you say? What would you do? I think I can answer those questions. You'd mace the fool, kick him in the stones, run away, and tell your friends how terrified you were that time when you almost got raped. 
  9. We go into the chorus again, she asks be called four more times, bringing the total up to twelve times in one meeting. Doesn't Carly know that desperation is a stinky cologne? I feel like at this point she's simply channeling her inner Andy Bernard. 
Words to live by. That's how I got married. 
In closing, this song has one redeeming quality, and that's all of the tribute videos it has spawned. I'll leave you with my favorite two, and my sincere wish that you never have to hear this song ever again after today.