Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Torch Has Been Passed and Lit. Hard.

I suppose I should start by telling you that I am a pretty decent liar.

That's not really something I'm proud of, nor is it a gift I try to put into use very often, particularly at this stage in my life.

But I just want to say that at one point, I could have told you that the sky was green and the grass was blue, and you'd have not only believed me, but also would have bought some ocean front property in Oklahoma from me as well.

It is the largest body of water in Oklahoma.
When I was a child, my mother would often say things to me like, "Travis, one day you're going to have a kid just like you, and I'm going to laugh." I spent most of my time laughing at her, and saying things like, "I'm never having kids."

Well, water flows under the bridge, time marches on, thoughts and feelings change, and eventually you come to a point in your life when you discover the sex. And when you discover the sex, even if it is at the ripe old age of nineteen, you discover that at almost any given point in time, a woman can decide to make a man start trying to have a kid.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this is what The Missus did. To level such charges at her would be disrespectful, and make her out to be manipulative and conniving, which are two things she isn't. She is both kind and loving, and all I remember is her saying, "We should have a kid," and I was undressed and in the bedroom, under the assumption that we were going to start immediately.

Of course you know the story from there, how we tried (HEYO) for many years before eventually coming to the understanding that we were going to require expensive medical treatment in order for child-rearing to become a reality for us.

Lacking the required funds for that, we turned instead to adoption, and sort of placed the whole thing in God's hands.

In the words of Seinfeld, yada, yada, yada, we have two kids.

That brings us up to present day. And by that I mean earlier this morning, as I am typing this on Wednesday evening.

I got a text message from The Missus at about ten this morning saying, "Call me, I got a phone call from the school."

Since it's three weeks into the year and our son has already punched a kid and pushed a bookshelf over on two others, you might be able to see how I expected the worse. In fact, I'm fairly certain I took the Lord's name in vain (I have since asked forgiveness on the matter).

Sighing heavily, I scrolled through my phone, highlighted The Missus, and punched "Call."

TM: Hello.
Me: What now?
TM: The cafeteria called.

I immediately understood what was going to be said next. She was going to tell me that the kids were eating breakfast at school after they'd already eaten at home, which was a problem we dealt with all last year. We'd give them oatmeal or cereal or something for breakfast, and then they'd walk into the cafeteria, and since food was available, they'd eat it. It almost drove us into the poorhouse.

However, that wasn't the issue at hand.

Some of you might be familiar with Lady Obama's new school lunch program initiative. I know just enough about it to see that the price of a school lunch costs moderately less than a trip to the local "classy" steakhouse, and that the kids aren't even getting a decent meal when that happens.

Image source
As a result of this, The Missus has been packing the kids' lunches for them. She's been giving them sammiches and chips and other kid lunch stuff that I know nothing about because with my work and school schedule, I've been reduced to the role of step-father, seeing them on the weekends.

Stay with me now, we're coming into the home stretch. 

Apparently, our dear, sweet, and innocent children have been walking into the cafeteria in the morning, walking through the breakfast line, opening their lunch boxes, and telling the cafeteria worker that they have been given express permission to eat any "snacky" type foods The Missus has packed them to, and I quote, "hold them over until lunch." 

When asked if they were getting fed at home, both children immediately responded with a yes, but that they were supposed to eat their fruit snacks, pudding cups, etc., as sort of an after breakfast snack. 

How I imagine the cafeteria worker looked at their "explanation." 
Here's my concern. This was obviously Keeli's idea, because the lady at the school said "Keeli has been doing all the talking." But at this point I have to worry about three things.

1. Our daughter is sneaky, manipulative, and brilliant in an "I don't have much experience but I work well with what I've got" way. 
2. Our son is dumb enough to go along with that sort of thing. 
3. Both of them think that everyone they meet is severely retarded and cannot begin to comprehend their sneakiness.

"Don't hate the player, dad. Hate the game. Why is your eye twitching?"
So here we are.

We have two children that are exactly like me. Brilliant liars with incredibly adorable faces and a heart-wrenching life story to go along with it. 

The Missus is "handling" the situation, and from what I gather, that entails her telling the cafeteria worker to call them out on it tomorrow. Just sort of surprising them with the fact that everyone they know isn't a complete idiot. I don't have much of an imagination, but I like to think it'll look something like this:

Score one for the dumb adults, eh? 
Somewhere my mother isn't reading this, but she's laughing. And one day, God willing, I'll be laughing at Aven and Akeeli as they post blogs about their kids handle their own problems in a completely normal way.


  1. Trust me that curse our mama's gave us totally worked TOTALLY.. Kids will be kids and if candy is involved they can get all kinds of creative. Calling them out on it may help for a little while.. hoping it does.

  2. "Sammaches"? You're an adult, not a 5yo. And how us your kids lying the fault of the system? Its your failure as a parent. Take responsibility for your kids and grow up.

    1. The word is "sammiches." And "it's." And "is." And just in case you think all I'm prepared to do is attack your spelling issues, I'll go ahead and add that this was a humorous blog post. I am aware that Michelle Obama cannot be blamed for my children's pathological lying habits. And since you took the time to reply on both reddit and my blog, I've taken the time to reply to you on both. You need Jesus.

    2. I agree with Travis you need Jesus and a better education on how to spell, and how to comprehend the meaning of a story/blog! All he said was to shorten his story was pretty much his mom saying I told you so! That his kids were going to grow up just like him. So you need to grow up and shut up

      Travis you are an amazing writer I love every single story you put up here God has blessed you and your family in so many ways never stop doing what you are doing!! And smile and laugh at people like him that are trying to pull you down


    3. Oh you gotta love the haters. They come out when their life sucks and they want everyone else's to suck just as badly as theirs. It never occurs to them that their life sucks because they are incapable of having a sense of humor, or apparently a life. Travis is fine, however, TrainAss, which I find a humorous oxymoron since you have such a juvenile name and want to tell another grown man to grow up, you apparently have some major issues. While Travis will pray for you so will I, I come from old school, lay hands on them. However, my options for that tradition can occur one of 2 ways. I can lay hands on you for a healing of your mind and heart and body, or I can lay hands on you causing you to require someone else to pray for your healing. The choice is entirely up to you.

    4. Omg you have haters! :) Congratulations, Travis! You have reached a level of success that we bloggers rarely do! Good on you! Thanks for cracking me up again today! I'm in a horrible mood waiting for two hours in a waiting room, but this post is getting me through it! Loved the Obama pic and the Lincoln Park Avenger pic! Youre the man.

  3. Quit trolling. Travis was being humorous when he used the word sammaches. Secondly, he wasn't blaming anyone but himself for his kids lying. I think you need to go back to school, because your reading comperhension sucks.

  4. Are your kids adopted? I'm just curious. This really cracked me up! I loved it! The guy above is probably jealous that he can't spell or comprehend, not to mention he's not the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. Take your jealousy elsewhere hater. Lol

  5. That guy was taking this blog post as some kind of political attack against The Obamas'... If you even mention the Obamas' in any kind of negative light, whether it is humorous or not, the left wing extremists come out in droves and try to attack you with uneducated insults and assumptions! Surprised he didn't call you a racist too!

  6. A big thank you shout-out to all the supporters up in da house. To the Anon who asked if our kids are adopted, yes they are.


The price for my stories is your conversation.