Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Torch Has Been Passed and Lit. Hard.

I suppose I should start by telling you that I am a pretty decent liar.

That's not really something I'm proud of, nor is it a gift I try to put into use very often, particularly at this stage in my life.

But I just want to say that at one point, I could have told you that the sky was green and the grass was blue, and you'd have not only believed me, but also would have bought some ocean front property in Oklahoma from me as well.

It is the largest body of water in Oklahoma.
When I was a child, my mother would often say things to me like, "Travis, one day you're going to have a kid just like you, and I'm going to laugh." I spent most of my time laughing at her, and saying things like, "I'm never having kids."

Well, water flows under the bridge, time marches on, thoughts and feelings change, and eventually you come to a point in your life when you discover the sex. And when you discover the sex, even if it is at the ripe old age of nineteen, you discover that at almost any given point in time, a woman can decide to make a man start trying to have a kid.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that this is what The Missus did. To level such charges at her would be disrespectful, and make her out to be manipulative and conniving, which are two things she isn't. She is both kind and loving, and all I remember is her saying, "We should have a kid," and I was undressed and in the bedroom, under the assumption that we were going to start immediately.

Of course you know the story from there, how we tried (HEYO) for many years before eventually coming to the understanding that we were going to require expensive medical treatment in order for child-rearing to become a reality for us.

Lacking the required funds for that, we turned instead to adoption, and sort of placed the whole thing in God's hands.

In the words of Seinfeld, yada, yada, yada, we have two kids.

That brings us up to present day. And by that I mean earlier this morning, as I am typing this on Wednesday evening.

I got a text message from The Missus at about ten this morning saying, "Call me, I got a phone call from the school."

Since it's three weeks into the year and our son has already punched a kid and pushed a bookshelf over on two others, you might be able to see how I expected the worse. In fact, I'm fairly certain I took the Lord's name in vain (I have since asked forgiveness on the matter).

Sighing heavily, I scrolled through my phone, highlighted The Missus, and punched "Call."

TM: Hello.
Me: What now?
TM: The cafeteria called.

I immediately understood what was going to be said next. She was going to tell me that the kids were eating breakfast at school after they'd already eaten at home, which was a problem we dealt with all last year. We'd give them oatmeal or cereal or something for breakfast, and then they'd walk into the cafeteria, and since food was available, they'd eat it. It almost drove us into the poorhouse.

However, that wasn't the issue at hand.

Some of you might be familiar with Lady Obama's new school lunch program initiative. I know just enough about it to see that the price of a school lunch costs moderately less than a trip to the local "classy" steakhouse, and that the kids aren't even getting a decent meal when that happens.

Image source
As a result of this, The Missus has been packing the kids' lunches for them. She's been giving them sammiches and chips and other kid lunch stuff that I know nothing about because with my work and school schedule, I've been reduced to the role of step-father, seeing them on the weekends.

Stay with me now, we're coming into the home stretch. 

Apparently, our dear, sweet, and innocent children have been walking into the cafeteria in the morning, walking through the breakfast line, opening their lunch boxes, and telling the cafeteria worker that they have been given express permission to eat any "snacky" type foods The Missus has packed them to, and I quote, "hold them over until lunch." 

When asked if they were getting fed at home, both children immediately responded with a yes, but that they were supposed to eat their fruit snacks, pudding cups, etc., as sort of an after breakfast snack. 

How I imagine the cafeteria worker looked at their "explanation." 
Here's my concern. This was obviously Keeli's idea, because the lady at the school said "Keeli has been doing all the talking." But at this point I have to worry about three things.

1. Our daughter is sneaky, manipulative, and brilliant in an "I don't have much experience but I work well with what I've got" way. 
2. Our son is dumb enough to go along with that sort of thing. 
3. Both of them think that everyone they meet is severely retarded and cannot begin to comprehend their sneakiness.

"Don't hate the player, dad. Hate the game. Why is your eye twitching?"
So here we are.

We have two children that are exactly like me. Brilliant liars with incredibly adorable faces and a heart-wrenching life story to go along with it. 

The Missus is "handling" the situation, and from what I gather, that entails her telling the cafeteria worker to call them out on it tomorrow. Just sort of surprising them with the fact that everyone they know isn't a complete idiot. I don't have much of an imagination, but I like to think it'll look something like this:

Score one for the dumb adults, eh? 
Somewhere my mother isn't reading this, but she's laughing. And one day, God willing, I'll be laughing at Aven and Akeeli as they post blogs about their kids handle their own problems in a completely normal way.