Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I'm a Premature Clotter...


Well, I'm Unbreakable. I'm Superman.

This was a big hit at school. For both of us.

I know we've all been over this before, and I know I've written countless stories about what it would be like to be a super-hero, but this time I'm actually convinced.

Here's my evidence:

A. I recently got hired on at the newspaper I've been freelancing at.
B. My blood has become impervious to needles.

My proof for exhibit A can be shown with a picture:

Staff Writer, witches! 

My proof for exhibit B will take a story...

Those of you who are avid readers of this blog will probably remember that I've never had a "normal" experience giving blood. For example, this tragedy happened earlier last year. 


Those photos are the result of a young woman pulling a little too hard on the tube that feeds the blood into the bag, thus liberating the liquid Travis to a quite untenable home on the floor, and more unfortunately, my (at the time) brand new shoes. 

Fortunately, someone in the BloodMobile had their head on straight, and doused them down with hydrogen peroxide, which later allowed the blood to wash right off, and left me with nothing but the memories. 

The next time I gave blood, I talked with the nurses about "50 Shades of Grey," and left quite a large puddle of butt sweat on the donation table. (Go ahead. Click those highlighted words if you haven't read it before)

Which brings us to my most current decision to rent out "essence of Travis."

I saw some signs around NSU (the university I attend) the other day for a blood drive. A couple of days previous to that, I had gotten a phone call from the Oklahoma Blood Institute about coming in and donating again because they had a drive in my area. I told them sure, I'd get around to it, and then never did. So I felt the guilt when I saw the sign. 

I went in and got registered and, of course, bombarded social media with it, because I know those of you on Twitter and Facebook obvs care about every second of my life and want desperately to know what's going on at all times. 


Until it's a man, then it gets real weird.

No one ever answered me, is he seriously still alive? 
Then, a gentleman started the blood giving foreplay, which entailed feeling up my arm like it was a reluctant but well-meaning prom date, then tapping it with the blunt end of an iodine swab, then rubbing it voraciously with said swab until my skin shone like the oily skin of the aforementioned prom date. 

Finally, he stood, poised at the brink, with the needle tip aimed at the crook of my elbow. 

Now, I don't know if he just "guessed" where my vein would be, or if he employed some sort of methodology learned in school. I also realize that my veins are coated in a thick layer of sub-cutaneous fat, and they don't like to give up the good stuff easily. Maybe if he'd have spent a little more time on the foreplay, they'd have been more receptive. 

He missed the vein. 

Not to be discouraged with the attempt, he happily poked around the inside of my arm for a solid minute, at last uttering something that sounded an awful lot like a "Hail Mary." 

Oh how I longed for Expert Vein Sticker, mentioned in that story I told you to read a minute ago. 

Finally, he called a friend over. 

She, to be perfectly blunt, took a stab at it. 

She failed. 

Finally, someone walked over that looked very familiar. 

EXPERT VEIN STICKER WAS IN THE BUILDING. 

Our reunion was as follows. 

Me: "You look really familiar." 
EVS: "You do too..."
Me: "Were you at FBC Okay that one time?" 
EVS: "You're 50 Shades of Grey guy!" 

With the salutations out of the way, she attempted to get the flow of blood going. She succeeded, prompting this exultant tweet. 

When I stand before the Throne, and Jesus asks me why he should let me in, I will say, "I AM A BLOOD DONOR!" 

Then, to my surprise, something happened. 

Actually, lots of things happened at once. 

For one, the machine I was hooked up to started beeping like the heart rate monitor of a man who has just found the Victoria's Secret catalogue mixed in with the hospital reading materials. 

Then, everyone rushed to my side, providing me with a Kleenex box to elevate my arm, and a new way of squeezing the little thing they give you to squeeze. 

EVS came over, and she tried like all get out to get the flow of blood started again, but all was lost...

I had clotted. 


In all seriousness, I expected that tweet to go viral. Nothing. Not even a favorite. 
Apparently, my blood contains such awesomeness, that when I am pricked, I immediately clot. They gave me a t-shirt and sent me on my merry way, leaving me with nothing but the bruises to show for it, and I'm pretty sure they're going to have to replace that poor blood sucking machine. I do hope they use what little they collected for some sort of analysis though, particularly after a conversation with my mother.

Me: *regales with story you just read*
Mom: "Travis, that sounds bad."
Me: "Well, bad for them."
Mom: "If your blood is doing that coming out of your body, what do you think it's doing inside your body?
Me: "I'M A SUPER-HERO!"





So there's my evidence. That's why I believe I'm Unbreakable. That's why I believe I'm Superman. 

Now someone get me some paint cans and bench press, I need to try something.