I was full of resentment and hurt and all of those things that can make a very bitter person out of you if you hang on to them. You see, I was having trouble walking the walk I talked about so much when it came to other people.
I will assume you're familiar with the phrase: "Just pray for God's will." You may have even spoken those words to someone, hoping they'd give comfort and peace.
I can assure you that living that phrase is harder than saying it. And I'm just about positive that you already know that, because undoubtedly you've lost a loved one, a job, or have been in a situation where you desperately wanted your will done and not God's.
If you aren't a Christian or don't believe in God, that's fine, I have to figure this would be the equivalent of someone telling you "Things will work out, just give it time."
So fast forward to a few months back. The Missus and I got a phone call. The bouncing baby boy born back in 2012 was needing a new home. You were on the list. Be ready. He's coming to you.
We might have freaked out just a bit. The Missus did a deep cleaning of the house the likes of which I have never seen in my life. Things were stored, things were bleached, things were thrown away, things were painted. Rooms were changed. My brother came over and threw his back out hanging up a ceiling fan, God love him. We were going to be prepared.
Then came an email.
"We're going to give him to someone else instead. We'll keep you posted."
The pain The Missus felt was extraordinary. I felt empty. I was disappointed. I felt like nothing good would ever happen again. We cried, we yelled, and we questioned the very God whose will we were supposedly praying for all along. We sat down and had a giant pity party. We broke the news to the kids, and then everyone in the family was broken hearted.
I do not claim to know why that happened. I don't know why we needed to feel that pain, and why we had to explain to our children that the new baby, their brother, was not coming to us after all. But we did. And we moved on.
Then we got another email.
"The someone didn't work out. He's coming to you."
After swearing we would never get our hopes up again, we...well we got our hopes up again. We cleaned. We did background checks and home studies and physicals. We decided not to tell the kids until we were a bit more certain. Then we told the kids.
Then we made the drive. Just under two hours, and we had a Tahoe full of toys and clothes and baby, whose name I cannot give you for a while, for the same reason I couldn't give you the others' back in 2010. It'll take a little bit. We don't know how long, that's up to the state and the Lord. This situation isn't as fluid as the other one. There are a lot of extraneous factors that could result in us not getting to keep him.
However, I serve a God who is in control of this situation. He knows what's going to happen already, in fact He saw it from the beginning of time. And what's more important, He knows what I can handle. He knows what my family can handle. And if it's His will that my family should now number five, then so be it. If not, somehow, with His help, we'll get through it.
But right now the boy is home. He's at our house, with his brother and sister, and they love him. We love him. He loves all of us. In fact, on the car ride home, he said something, and I turned and looked at him. He pointed right at me and said "Dad."
He hates nap time. He hates bed time. He loves bananas. He has the reddest, curliest hair you've ever seen and looks exactly like a Sloat. Hates to be told no. Can high five with the best of them. Loves the rabbit, doesn't really care for Fabulous, but he's warming up to her. Loves to say "Bye" and act like he's walking out the door. He cries when I leave for work or school, which breaks my heart. Gives pretty good hugs. Is calling The Missus "Mom," and his brother and sister "Bubba" and "Sis."
The addition to our family has also created an imbalance of sorts, as represented by the following pie charts.
|This seems natural and right and in complete harmony and accord with all things.|
|THE PURPLE AREA IS GROWING HELP ME BABY JESUS.|
In the past two weeks I've taken hundreds of pictures, the majority of which I can't put on social media or my blog. I forwarded one picture to about 20 different people before I realized that it had my boob in it, clear as day. Here's one that makes me proud, but I can't tell you if it's him.
|This could be him, this might not be him. I'm not telling you for sure.|
The other day, the day after we brought him home, he was screaming his lungs out about taking a nap and I was there beside him to make sure he didn't abscond from the crib. As I watched him tire himself out by crying, something struck me as humorous and I looked down at him and laughed. Then, the comparison hit me, I started crying while I was laughing. So I stood there like an idiot, chuckling silently while giant tears slid down my cheeks.
God throws me a lot of curveballs. And sometimes, when I'm right smack in the middle of something God knows I should be going through, I lay down and I kick my feet and I scream about it. I say "No" a lot and I think God is the worst person in the world for handing me the situation or set of circumstances. It's so unfair. The world is unfair. It's the worst.
And then I calm down. I realize that what I'm going through is what's best for me. I realize all those things I wish I would have realized sooner. I realize that I serve a God who can handle me when I'm having my biggest screaming hissy fit ever, and he's looking at me saying, "It's for the best. Trust me. Just trust me."
So yeah, I'm hoping God works His will in this situation. And even more than that, I actually believe that His will is best for all of us, including the new guy. Do I want things to work out the way I think is best? Absolutely. But what do I know?
I know that God is big.
I know that I am His. I know that my family is His. I know that you are His.
And I know that The Missus and I are officially outnumbered, and we wouldn't have it any other way.