Showing posts with label Gourmet Food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gourmet Food. Show all posts

Monday, June 15, 2015

Hey Guys I'm a Food Blogger Now: Bacon Wrapped Sea Scallops with Serranos

We're currently on vacation in sunny Destin, Florida. Aside from the fact that Drake literally just took a dump on the bathroom floor, things are going pretty good.

The water was pretty rough today, not red flag rough, but too rough to take the boys down, who are too brave for their own good. I got super bored, and after we visited the Gulfarium, which is friggin amazing, we stopped at a seafood shop and got some shrimp and scallops, which are just about my favorite seafood in the world.

Before I started cooking, I thought, "Why not do a food blog?" And since no one around me said, "Hey man, that's a bad idea," I went for it.

So here you go: Bacon-wrapped sea scallops with serrano peppers and a butter glaze.

Here you see my ingredients, those sweet, sweet scallops, a few serrano peppers, some Great Value butter and bacon (shut up, we're poor, we spent all our money on the condo), and some Greek seasoning we brought from home.

Next step, cut the bacon in half, then line those fatty pork belly slices up on a sheet tray. You have to par-bake them, get them sizzling, otherwise you wind up with raw bacon and scallops drier than a British comedy. I baked the bacon slices for 7 minutes at 350 degrees.

This is me laying bacon on the sheet tray, I'm smiling because bacon, obviously. Anytime I touch the stuff it excites me in a way that my wife normally excites me, if you're picking up what I'm putting down (bacon).

Next I cut up the serrano peppers. I suppose you could use a milder pepper like a jalapeño, and let me know if you decide to do that, I'll get you a skirt while I'm down here and mail it to you. I wanted habaneros, but the ones I brought with us were ruined, and Alicia couldn't find any at Walmart down here. I cut them in about half inch slices.

Next I cubed up the butter, then threw the Greek seasoning on top and tossed it in the microwave, and I'm including this picture just because it's amazing. Look at the detail. If I can't make it as a food blogger, I can definitely make it as a professional butter photographer, and don't tell me that's not a thing, because just look at that butter. Look at it. Oh and microwave that until it's melted, if you need a time, you're an idiot.

Now we're cooking with peanut oil. Here are the scallops, I rinsed them off, and they are freaking gorgeous. Just pearly white cylinders of sweet, tender oceanic goodness. If I could pull these things out of Fort Gibson Lake, I'd never eat anything again. I pulled the bacon out of the oven next, got too excited about it to take a picture.

Here's the assembled product. I just took a serrano, put it on the scallop, then wrapped the whole thing with bacon and secured it with a toothpick. Might want to soak those toothpicks in water first, but other than that, this is what they look like when they're done. I had three scallops left with no bacon on them, if it was any other food that'd be a shame, but these are scallops. I just tossed them on the sheet tray. I also didn't take the bacon grease off the sheet tray, because, well, if you need to do that, just throw all this stuff away and go get a vegan burger.

Here are a couple of detail shots, first on the cutting board and then on the sheet tray loaded up with bacon grease. I threw the peppers on there too, figured they couldn't hurt. I basted everything with the butter mixture, but kept about half of it back for after cooking. I kept the oven at 350 degrees, and I baked them for 15 minutes. Now, when they got done, the bacon was still a little soft for my tastes, so I cranked the heat up to 425 degrees for about 5 minutes or so. After cooking, I glazed them with the butter again because scallops are naturally a healthy food and I needed to do everything I possibly could to make them bad for me. In the end, the bacon was still a little soft, but I couldn't wait anymore because, well, look at them:

Here's the finished product, all plated up and ready to eat. These things pair well with whatever it is in that glass, my wife picked it out, all I know is it's a white. To be honest, these would pair well with raccoon urine, and if you try that, let me know how it is. The heat level was perfect, the scallops were cooked through just right, and aside from being a little soft, the bacon was sublime. We ate on the patio while the kids had hot dogs and Velveeta shells and cheese because scallops are "gross" and "nasty."

When it's all said and done, it's safe to say that if you set one of these scallops on top of your head, your tongue would beat your brains out trying to get to them. I ate every single one on that plate, and sat there and stared at my wife's (she didn't have peppers on hers) until she finally looked at me and told me to go eat a hot dog.

Before anyone gives me crap, those are leftover peppers, I didn't pick them off. So that's it, I'm a food blogger now, if anyone wants to get in touch with Food Network on the Pioneer Woman, that'd be great. Now we've got to go down to the beach and hunt for crabs and try not to lose a kid in the high tide. Wish us luck.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Marshmallow Madness.

I don't think I've ever really been a "gourmet food" kind of guy.

I like my gourmet to be all I can eat. 
Part of it, I'm sure, stems from my inability to appreciate good food in any kind of moderation whatsoever. If it tastes good, I want thirty-five of them, and that's final. But I think another part of it comes from the way I was raised. Our family was on a budget, and so "fancy" meals usually consisted of chicken being baked and not deep fried. 

I am also not usually allowed to go on grocery shopping excursions with The Missus. She has a good reason for that, and it's because I'm quite the impulse shopper. 

Boiled peanuts are the WORST THING ON THE PLANET.
Well, about a month ago, the stars and moon aligned, and Jupiter was in the third house of the rising Mercury Sable, and The Missus said, I'm going grocery shopping, and you're coming with me. With eyes as bright as big, sparkly, bright things, I tagged along. 

As we traipsed up and down the aisles, with me trying to put things in the cart, and the kids trying to put things in the cart, and The Missus trying to keep all of us contained (at one point she threatened to make all three of us ride in the cart), we went down...

The Candy Aisle. 

This naturally caused utter mayhem, and The Missus suffered a small mental breakdown and then a slightly herniated disc by trying to put all three of us in the cart at the same time. I escaped, and I turned to grab the first thing I could get my hands on. 

Imagine my surprise when I saw this. 

Piña Colada and chocolate marshmallows. 

German chocolate cake and cinnamon marshmallows! 
I was blown away. Literally, blown away. This served The Missus well, because in my moment of shock, she kicked me in the back of the leg, got my arm behind me, and yelled, "SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DON'T KEEP YOUR HANDS ON THE CART I WILL KILL YOU IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN!" 

When I was a kid we had two kinds of marshmallows. 

The first.

And the second. 
Yeah, you could get the little ones in a bunch of different colors, but they were the only things I've ever eaten that actually tasted like pastels, and they weren't appealing to anyone. Besides, they melted down white, or a funny eggshell color, and just looked weird. So no, the colored marshmallows don't get counted here. 

Anyway, each kind of marshmallow had exactly one function. 

Little marshmallows. 

Big marshmallows. 
Now listen. If you are saying to yourself, "But he forgot about putting the little ones in hot chocolate!" Well, you leave. Right now, click that red "X," and you leave, and you don't come back. You are weird, and I don't like your kind. Marshmallows should NEVER go in hot chocolate you sick, sick person. Rice Krispie treats and S'mores. That's it. 

So, being properly amazed at the advancements in marshmallow flavoring science, I decided to hit the Internet for a little soft and fluffy research. Imagine my surprise when I found the this Etsy shop that sells "Gourmet Marshmallows."

Seriously. They have every flavor under the sun, and then some. I've contacted them about letting me create a new flavor and then name it after me in trade for the mention on this blog. We'll see how that goes. 

But right now I want to focus on the problems that these flavored marshmallows in grocery stores could cause. Turn on your imagination and walk through this conversation with me. 

Man: "Honey, I'm in Walmart and they've got fifteen different kinds of marshmallows." 
Woman: "Listen, I don't have time for this. I told you get the big ones." 
Man: "I know, but they have different flavors." 
Woman: "No, they're just different colors. They all taste the same."
Man: "No, this bag here is cinnamon flavored." 
Woman: "What? Have you been drinking again? Are you screwing with me?"
Man: "No, here's one that says 'Pina Colada.'"
Woman: "Are you in the liquor store? Are you? So help me, if you spend my marshmallow money on booze..."
Man: "Sweetie, I'm at Walmart. Here's one that says 'German Chocolate.'"
Woman: "I hate you. I ask you to do one simple thing. Don't bother coming home, we're getting a divorce." 
Man: "..."

You see that? I think flavored marshmallows could be a cause for divorce. I'm not saying this would be a common occurrence, and if your marriage dissolves faster than the marshmallows that caused them maybe you shouldn't have been married in the first place, but still. It's tragic, really. 

I haven't gotten to try any of the flavored marshmallows yet, but I'm planning a surprise maneuver the next time we go into Walmart. It's a foolproof plan, really, and I just know it will work. You see, the next time we pass them, I'm going to fake a low blood sugar attack. I plan on getting woozy, spinning a couple of times, crashing into someone else's basket and then hitting my head on the floor right by the marshmallows. Then, when The Missus walks over and asks me what's wrong, and everyone else is screaming and calling 911, I'm going to say, "It's the low blood. I need something with sugar in it. Look, marshmallows will work (cough cough). No, no. The German Chocolate ones."

And yes, I created an Etsy account just for this blog. Don't judge me.