Showing posts with label Heat Stroke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Heat Stroke. Show all posts

Monday, July 13, 2009

I Walked 2 Miles Today...

I made a decision last night. I was laying in bed, and I say to myself, "Travis, you're a fat guy. And no one believes you're gonna get any other way." I replied, "Self, people like you fat. You're a funnier person when you're fat." And I said, "Well what about skinny funny people, like Daniel Tosh and Dane Cook?" To that I replied, "Good point."

After this little internal dialogue, I decided I was gonna start excercising. 2 miles! That's it! That's what I'll walk tomorrow! As I decided this, I kind of fell asleep. When I woke up this morning, I decided to go through with it. 2 miles. I laced up the Nikes, put my Ipod on shuffle, and headed out. This is the route I chose. I marked some points on the way so that we could discuss some events that happened as I was walking. These points are not in alphabetical order, mainly because I can't seem to work google maps very well.

K.) This was the start. It was here that I fully realized that it was about 103 degrees outside, and the possibility of me dying was a very real one. I decided to leave my cell phone at home, because I can't text and walk very well, and lets face it Statgirl, I would have been texting.

G.) It was here that my Ipod earphones didn't seem to want to cooperate. Actually, they aren't my earphones, they are The Missus's. She was kind enough to let me sweat on them for a while. Anyway, at this point, I decided to call it quits. If I can't have an Ipod, I'm not walking. Then I turned around and saw The Missus taking a bag of trash out, and I had to keep going for appearances. I finally got the headphones to work. Dang.

A.) This is the turn around point to start walking back and go down side streets. That little loop it shows on google isn't there, let me tell ya. It was here that I really started to sweat good, and I even felt pretty good about myself.

B.) I almost saw a traffic accident here. Both people were idiots, and would have deserved to hit each other. It doesn't help things that the roads in this area are narrower than George Bush's reasons for attacking Iraq, either. And that people like to park on the sides of the street instead of IN THE FREAKING DRIVEWAY!!!

C.) When I turned down this road, I almost quit. It is LONG. I didn't realize how long this road was, because in my original drive of the route, I didn't take it. I had a vision of myself lying passed out in the road baking like a pale skinned sea lion, but I pressed on.

D.) It was here that God truly blessed me. I went through about 25 feet of lovely, precious, sweet shade. It was amazing. I could have passed back under it on the return trip, but I didn't have the energy to cross the road when I came back to it...

E.) Here I passed a Grandmother and a granddaughter headed swimming. They had towels, and what appeared to be bathing suits, and were walking across the street to the neighbors house. They looked at me funny when I started following them, so I pressed on. On second thought, it was so hot, they may have just needed towels to be outside.

J.) Here I passed a man with a water hose spraying down his driveway. The ONLY thing that kept me out of that spray was the fact that I paid $100 for my Ipod, and I didn't wanna ruin it. That was the only thing. Damn how strange he might of thought I was. I didn't care. I was DYING.

I.) Here I had to really fight to just hook a right and return back to my house. I had stopped sweating at this point, which is dangerous, and I was also getting rather dizzy. I really don't like to quit things though, and I told myself that I had just a little bit left, and I could do it. I have to give credit to the Ipod, and the folks at Apple too. It started playing a very moving and catchy song at this point.

H.) It was at this point that I truthfully thought I was done. My stomach was cramping, my vision was blurry, and I was walking kind of sideways. It was pitiful. But that's not all. It was here that a transformer somewhere in the neighborhood blew. I didn't know that at the time. It sounded like a freakin gunshot. I dropped to the ground, and ninja rolled behind a car. This is true testament to the fact that no matter how unconscious I am, I can always be counted on to be a complete and total vajay. Getting up, I realized I was almost done.

F.) I'm HOME!!! Thank you, sweet sweet merciful Jesus. I made it. I did it. 2 miles. I drank around 34 gallons of water, and instantly sweated out 30. The other 4 made me immediately have to go pee. I was shaking, sunburned and my sugar was probably 12. Heck, I take that back, it was probably normal. But I made it. 2 miles. After 20 minutes, Kid Funk asked if my heart rate had gotten over 100 during the walk, and I told him I didn't know. I took my heart rate then, and it was exactly 100. 20 MINUTES AFTER THE WALK! Geez. I know round is a shape, but I'm out of shape. That's real.

Will I be going out again tomorrow? Damn right I will. Someone come with me, and bring a wheelbarrow.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Golf in 102 Degrees...

I love to golf. And simultaneously, I hate to golf. I know that I am not the first person to feel this way. I would think even that Tiger Woods, after putting on his Nikes, getting out of his Buick, and downing a Gatorade, might even tell you he hates golf. Ask him after this weekend. I heard it was bad.

I went out golfing with The Groom yesterday. I didn't realize it when I told him I would, but the temp outside was soaring to a very sweaty sunburny 102 degrees. I might add, at 115% humidity. Thats right, the humidity here in Oklahoma goes above the call. If our humidity was on a little league team, it'd get Most Improved every year.

We teed off on the first hole, and I actually hit a far tee shot. Into the woods. By woods I mean about 8 trees to the side of the fairway. Really not the woods, but it's trying hard. From there on, it was a brutal day. I lost more balls than a Persain army tryna teabag Sparta. I played horribly. On the 8th hole, I hit 5 straight balls into a lake. I hate that hole. And everytime I hit a ball, The Groom would say... "That's the water." Douche.

The greatest point of the day would be when I hit a beautiful chip shot on the 10th. The Groom said, "I want you to know, you hit that exactly where you were aiming." And I was thrilled! I said Thanks! And he said, "Travis, you weren't aiming anywhere at the hole." Apparently, I suck so bad, I compensate for it by aiming completely away from the hole. So when I hit a great shot, it still sucks. Thats retarded.

At one point I hit my ball and this...

Went further than my ball. Of course The Groom had a good laugh about that. It's not that I'm especially horrible, because I know people that are. It's just that I'm terribly inconsistent. If I take a warm up shot, the warm up shot is always perfect. But the actual shot will wind up making me get poison ivy, or using my "hand wedge" to get in better position.

This is the scorecard at the final end of it all...

That's right. That's a 116 for me. For all you non golfers out there, the amount that should have been was 70. That means it took me 116 strokes to do what it should have taken 70. That's 46 strokes more. Or embarassing. You could just call it that.

For what it's worth, the entire back 9 was temporary greens, and it was impossible to putt. But I suck at that too. It was also 102 outside, and the course was covered in rocks. The lake being up had destroyed 60 percent of the greens and fairways, and I'm pretty sure I had a stroke on the 4th. And the 16th. On the 17th, the green had been moved up so close to the tee box, that as a joke, I teed off with my putter. I parred that hole. My tee shot landed about 4 feet from the cup, I mess you not. It was my only par of the day.

All in all, a great Sunday.

But geez I hate golf...